Michael's Live Journal

A friendship is a million things
that solitude could never bring
an invisible bond that grows stronger with time
always keeping my friend in mind
it will always protect you from sinking down
when all your thoughts lie underground
your secrets and shortcomings evolve into traits
that you present to the comfort that always awaits
nature and life shall never divide
a man who’s transformed with a friend by his side
and sometimes this nature shall bring your friend pain
and the hurt burning inside is too much to sustain
for him to go on, he cries to be left behind
this fate will never be that of this friend of mine
it was tempting to leave you, alone out at sea
your troubles had begun to capsize me
but with all that we’ve done, all we’ve been through
the man I see in the mirror is because of the man deep in you
this man is alive, and though he may be late
we both can acknowledge the bull shit in fate
you can still stand strong, as you’ve shown me before
and it is this friend that I look forward to knowing once more
I have been where you lie, it hurts and I know
it is all the more easier to fall back below
but you’ve taught me well, so I’ll teach you the same
I love you and I will always help you remain
as life twists and turns, we’ll easily glide
but Christopher, this is but the start of the ride
so take your chafed hand, turn it into a fist
because with your strength my friend, I have the will to exist.

A picture is worth a thousand words. These photographs are worth more to me the more I forget about you. I wipe the dust off my favorite picture of us as I hold it and let the colors tell a story my mind can no longer distinctly remember. I’ll hold you forever, for this photograph means as much to me as you did, yet will never walk away. I have not looked at this photo in months; I carelessly tossed it into a dark and secluded desk drawer when I still saw you every day. This photo now carries with it nostalgia and pain, as I realize your beauty could never be captured in a six by four photograph. While this stands true, I fall to my knees knowing this truth is all I have left. My eyes begin to tear as I watch the colors in our picture fade with time, becoming less brilliant and alive, and more dull and deceased. I’ve tried for months to allow my memories of you to fade away like the violet in your dress, the brown in your hair, and the gold on your neck. To an extent, as an elegant example of a “be careful what you wish for” motto, I have succeeded. Although my mind can be taught to forget, to ignore, and to overlook, this picture cannot be taught the same. It remains as a display of irony as your worth becomes more and more evident as you travel further away from me, through the depth and unrivaled strength of time. This irony grows as I find that the only colors that remain brilliant and true are the ones that are reflected from me, as if this picture has become a palpable metaphor for my mistake to wish I could run you out of my mind. But with this picture also comes a sense of tranquility. This photo cannot take a side, nor can it tell me who it thinks was right or wrong. All it does is display a point of agreement; a past acknowledgment of common ground and reciprocated admiration for the people who chose to spend the duration of their timeless life inside a myriad of colors and textures. And it is inside this window to this past of mine I stand, while I look in on it from the depth and unrivaled strength of time as I fall. A picture is worth a thousand words, but in this moment it is only worth three: help me remember.


read this: http://kiiiefer.livejournal.com/15229.html

Condensation is blurring my sight. The moisture is gathering and multiplying, getting heavier as the moments pass. The drops begin to defy gravity as they start to move opposite to that which they are customarily inclined. Now sideways, it is evident now that this is no ordinary condensation, and this moisture has a plan of its own. I close my eyes out of instinct, and cease to exercise the options still left within the realm of choice. I open them once again to find a fresh, crimson hue to that which I had seen just moments ago. Exploration of my newly altered surroundings proves conclusive with a discovery of the only thing that has remained constant to this point; condensation, though now stimulating a different sense. My eyes come second as I press my fingers together and watch this condensation run down my hand. An infinite display of nature and time has now begun to gather, to evolve into a brilliance so commonly overlooked; water, though now stimulating all of my senses. What I had seen before is now palpable and exponentially growing, in a majestic yet mysterious pattern. I attempt to make sense of its eloquence, but it is not long before this spectacle has turned frightening; its majesty now bland and bleak, its mystery now certainty. Once more, instinct activates my body as I look for a way to escape this new presence of certainty. With each passing second, my instincts contradict the decision I made when I was still conscious within the realm of choice. It is this choice that has defied me; under the pressure of nature and time. The crimson hue over everything I see grows stronger as I grow weaker. I’m gasping for air, and looking for a door to five minutes ago. Unfortunately, the pressure of nature and time influenced me to lock the doors before I steered left.

So I haven't written in this for a while, and since i'm kind of upset I think i'll bring it back. Kiefer told me he wrote in his after Natalie died, and what he wrote in his about her seemed like it came from the heart; i'll try to make this the same.

Marissa and I broke up tonight; i'll say I broke up with her, she'll say she broke up with me, whatever. The thing that matters is that she's gone. Stuff got really rough lately with all this speculation about her cheating on me, and just a bunch of other things that got between us. For the record, so everyone can see right here, I personally do not think she cheated on me. Call me stupid, call me blind, but I guess I was brought up to see the good in people. I cannot see why she would have cheated on me. Maybe she did, but I just cannot help but trust her. I went to Dan's house after we broke up to find Anthony, Heath, Tommy, Dan, and James start applauding for me for breaking up with her, and just to give me friend support. I don't know if I would take it as an applause for "getting rid" of her, I would much rather just take it as my friends being there for me.

Even though I was pretty unhappy with a lot of the things Marissa would do when we were together (i'll respect her privacy and not talk about them), i'll still think about her a lot. I used to try and let her know that she was beautiful every day, and make sure she was always happy and comfortable with what we were doing and who we were doing it with. I would always think about her feelings and make sure I didn't do anything that would make her unhappy or upset. I really cared about her, to the point where I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too, but she was kind of skeptical about saying it a lot since she never said that to anyone before so I told her she didn't have to. Now it just really sucks because the only things I can think about right now are the times I enjoyed being with her.

My friends tell me it's for the best; they say she was no good and what not. They tell me it's not worth it for me to be together with her if I find more stress then pleasure when i'm with her.

I'm doing my best to see their point of view.

I suppose I did what I had to do tonight. I had to stand up I guess.

As for now, it's back to the old Mike that most of my friends miss. Right now the only thing I miss is Marissa.

I wanted to update this a few times, but idk. I just didn't. Now as I sit with my laptop in my American Public Policies class, I think i'll make a new entry.

Let's see.

Sara's cousin Marianna, who I have spoken about several times in my past entries, is going through a pretty lame time now. Her and her boyfriend, Mike, split up. Shes been pretty upset about it and we've been talking a lot; I wish her all the best and I know she'll move on and be just fine.

Coley i-med me out of nowhere 2 days ago, started doing what she normally does; after months of not talking nor her attempting to talk to me, she wonders why we aren't friends anymore. I feel like she goes on and lives her life, and then when she gets down or something like that she decides to i-m me and tell me how much she needs me in her life. She started quoting a letter I wrote to her and gave to her at her sweet 16, made me feel kinda shitty just because of the fact that it made me realize how much I used to care about her. Just writing this makes me want to go and talk to her and just run back to the way things were between us, being really good friends and what not. But I know that'll just eventually end with me being in a one sided friendship.

Whatever thing I had, if it was anything, between Nicole and I, died pretty quickly. We just stopped talking completely. Nicole Faverey asked me if I was even sure she liked me, and I showed how much I took that question seriously by asking her if she knew about the new 270 horsepower nissan altima coupe. Do me a favor and don't ever insult my own intelligence; when I went in to kiss her that night that we spent together she had a bigger smile on then a 8 year old in a candy store. I know there was something going on with some Matt dude from WHS, and i'm fine with whatever was going on. I really wasn't hurt by any of it to be honestly, there was clearly no chemistry between Nicole and I at all. I was definitely forcing a lot of shit to come that just wasn't coming, probably because I was tired of just hooking up with people. I hope we can just become friends again soon, I remember I used to enjoy being her friend.

Hmm. What else.

Tomorrow night begins my spring break, i'll be home for a while. I'm pretty pumped about that. I've been working on my short film for a while now, and it's actually getting REALLY close to being finished. I'm sure i'll get Cody and a few other people to look over it and change around my narration a bit. I showed Cody and Marissa the first part of the short that I already made, and they had nothing but good things to say about it. I'm looking forward to finishing it; maybe i'll even shoot some of it while i'm home for spring break.

I'm sitting in the New Paltz Humanities building Computer Lab. I just took my American Public Policies mid-term, even though we have not had a single test or homework assignment to date. I didn't really mind; i'm sure I did well. Anyway, I got out of that early so I felt like writing. Unfortunately, I don't really know what to write about. I just got a text from Nicole. She said, "Lol I know." I bet you're excited. I went drifting with Cody yesterday, since it was snowing...again. We went into the empty parking lot next to the Lenape Hall parking lot. Smiles and giggles were had. It's 1:40 and I think i'll get the good ol' ipod playing and head to the last class of the day. English. A.k.a lunch.

I swear it's always snowing at New Paltz. It's 2:30 and it's been snowing for about an hour and a half. I'm praying my 3:30 class gets canceled. That'd be sick. Today's Nicole's birthday. Let her know you know.

Yeah, that's it.

I don't really feel like writing a long entry right now, maybe it's because I have to pee. Anyway, this week was pretty good, it was nice to spend so much time with Chris. Nicole had a party yesterday for her birthday, it was really nice to see her again too after not seeing her all week. My grandma is pretty sick and I really hope that she gets better soon. I don't really know what else to say. I'm content.

So i'm out on the road with Kief. We drove a good 8 hours today and were somewhere in Virginia looking at a wonderful view of Interstate 95 from a motel room. I'm documenting the trip and naming it "Mike and Kiefer: Do It." So far it contains us taping 3 accidents, a sign that proves my knowledge of Virginia State Law because it says "Radar Detectors Illegal," a few hundred miles of road, and a car exploding in front of us. Haha I bet you think i'm exaggerating.

I wonder what will happen on DAY 2.

Koenigga, OUT

that was gay.

What an awesome day so far. Snow day, drifting in Chris' truck, dancing with Erik. Nude.

Alright so we didn't dance nude, but you wouldn't have known if I didn't tell you.

I'm seeing Ms. Nicole Calautti tomorrow. She makes me smile every time she i-ms or texts me. Sweet deal.

Yeah, i'm indecisive. Nothing new. New philosophy on girls taking into account a few things that happened with a few people and their girls; I really don't care about it anymore. Hookups, relationships, whatever. I'm not going to force either anymore. Whatever happens happens.

kieferrrrrrrrrrr (9:31:07 PM): think of it this way, if she split, would you miss her?
um whatever mike (9:31:58 PM): no.

I'm pretty content at the moment I suppose. I said what I needed to say in my last entry, I did not censor myself at all and it feels great. I realized that KP's promiscuity is the reason why i'd never want to be with her again, but it doesn't mean I have to hide my feelings. I realized that i've told Sara time and time again how much she used to mean to me; now she has it in writing.

I fucking love this livejournal. Josh had a pretty eventful weekend. I told him he should get a livejournal and write it out. He did. Cool. I like talking to Nicole Calautti. When I come home Thursday she is going to get her butt kicked.

This needs to be said.

Looking at who i've become, I can clearly see that such a tremendous part of myself has been forged due to one person; Sara. I mean, from one event leading to another, I have my hair, my clothes, my music, and even my aspirations to become a filmmaker to thank from Sara. One way or the other, shes the reason for it (generally). I was a kid who listened to Jay-Z who wore baggy clothes and wanted to do nothing in life before Sara, from one event or the other, changed me. Boys Night Out, long(er) hair, and making movies (well thats a different story) are all greatly due to her. I'm listening to Death Cab right now. I'll let you guess who got me into them.

But on top of that, i've learned from her so very much. I've learned that yeah, you'll find someone you feel like is the only person for you. I learned that when you lose that person you'll feel like shit. Because let's get real, apart from my "seaford ho's" (as Sara would call them), i've had nobody to teach me what a REAL heartbreak feels like.

But i've moved on and I've seen a few things that I thought i'd never see. I actually found flaws in Sara. We started talking again and kinda getting into that whole "mode" again over the fall and I think we mutually just gave up without even saying anything. It was when I gave up there that I realized I did not feel the same way about her that I once did. It was not until I told her that I was home for a month and I wanted to see her and she didn't even fucking care enough to respond that I realized that she was immature. I mean I look back on a lot of stuff and I realize I was a kid who was in love with a girl who just "liked him a lot." Like, I sent her a little doll for her birthday just to be cute and she did nothing but text me on my birthday. Then this past October I was at Roosevelt Field looking for a present for her birthday once again, and I realized I'd get nothing on my birthday. I got a facebook comment saying happy birthday. I got more exciting comments from people I don't even talk to. I realize that I was more serious about our relationship most of the time then she was, but at the point where she was as serious as I was, I think now I see that she would just hold back her feelings to protect herself from being hurt. When I would do the exact opposite and give her my heart every day, for her to do what she saw fit. I think it was kind of selfish of her, quite honestly. I don't know.

The great thing about this is that through all of the girls in my life, Sara is always the one i'll look back on. Of course KP will be right there with her, but in all honestly, i don't know why. I could have picked ANY of the other girls ive hooked up with in my life to fall for, but I chose KP. This is probably the reason why I am alone in my adventure this morning to watch the sun rise.

Another great thing about this is Sara will eventually see this, only because of her cousin. Her cousin Marianna, a genuinely good-hearted person who I realize only hung out with me a few times but has helped me out in INDESCRIBABLY key ways through my i dont even know how many year struggle to get to Sara when it was only her I could think about. She did it out of the kindness of her heart to help me out. I've taken note to her AIM profile and it looks as though shes in a relationship. I hope everything works out for you.

I was talking to Marissa (friend from new paltz) about my previous life and I realized that I know Sara knows she was a big part of my life but I don't know if she knows just how big. Considering i've long gotten past her and I will probably never see her again (i suppose its just how life goes, we never had a shot) I will tell her right here, for her to never check by herself and her cousin to read and relay to her at a later time.

Sara, you're probably the most influential person on my life I have ever met to date. I was willing to do nothing short of walk the earth for you, but the struggle was too much for you. I'm not bitter, and I wish you the best and I hope you find someone who will love you as I did.

It's quite amusing how I could be past something for so long and still have so much to say. I think i'll keep going.

KP.

I've felt a connection with Sara, clearly. I've only felt that strong of a connection with one other person in my life, and for some reason that person was you. You were going out with my friend Eddie during the month I got to know you. It's funny because I told you and im sure you remember that I told you that you weren't my type at all. If it were not for Eddie, I would have never approached you and if it were not for kelsey donohue we would have no connection whatsoever.

Yet Ed did go out with you.

We both intended on being friends, and friends we were for the month you were with Eddie. We got to know each other through all the time we would hang out. Id pick you up and take you out to lunch, we'd go to all American naturally. Then id jet over to Wantagh so i could spend 15 minutes with you before you went to LAX. I'd play basketball with megan, and i'd compliment her on how she was better then I was at basketball and she was only in 5th grade. We watched click together, "forever and ever, babe." And then the day we spent upstairs in that side room with the plasma tv and the picture of you that i said i loved and you hated. You me and megan watched some horrible disney movie, i think it was with some house that had special powers. I don't remember much about it because I was so excited that i was with you and megan. And then i'm sure you remember when we both decided that we needed to see if we could be alright with just not talking for a while. We agreed (on a sunday) that we should not talk until wednesday and see how that goes. I smile when I think about how we couldn't do it. We would message each other on myspace and talk about how we just had to share what happened to us that day because it somehow didn't mean as much when we weren't sharing it with each other. I look back at those times and I really had fun, I thank you for that. Then you inevitably left Eddie and you spent one more week with me until you decided that I was old news. I am not bitter towards you as well, but know one thing.

I miss you. I really miss you. I don't care that you went out with joe villari after me, then hooked up with eddie again and went out with joe villari again. I really don't. You can do whatever you want. Eddie is long past you. Joe is past you. I am not.

Well, i guess you can say I am. I've gone off and hooked up with a whole shitload of people like all the cool kids do, right?

Just know this. I will always have feelings for you. So please dont go and manipulate me because you know this, because I genuinely think that if i spent another few weeks with you, I would have fell in love with you. I would have, like sara, walked across the earth for you. I really cared about you. I had this whole thing where I was going to ask your parents for permission to come to your house early on your birthday and wake you up and say good morning muffin, and id have a whole bunch of chocolate chip muffins with me. You left before you're birthday came around.

Now i'm here, having spent over an hour writing this, seeing the sun rise outside of my window. It's 6:50 in the morning. I wonder when i'll have something positive to write in my livejournal.

So. I find myself here again, writing to a bunch of people who will read this on the internet and take it in just like anything else they read. What they will read will not affect future decisions, nor ignite any feeling whatsoever about a past choice. Yet still, I write.


What should I write about today?

I have great friends. My roommate Erik makes me smile all the time, and I love him for it. He's just as crazy as I am, maybe a little bit more. I appreciate him for his self-confidence to just be himself. I realized today as I was listening to Dream Theater - Octavarium that I just need to be happy for the shit that I have, because I think it outweighs the importance of the things that I don't.

As Anthony, Kiefer and Josh know, I have been trying out something lately. Just to publicly let them know, it was a horrific failure. It's ironic because it came as no surprise whatsoever. It makes me want to bash my head through a window when I see that some people are just so oblivious to certain things, but I always stop myself just in time when I realize that it is I who must be oblivious.

Btw, i've made a decision to stop hooking up, period. I'll hookup with someone I plan to be in a relationship with and i'll hookup with someone i'm in a relationship with. That's it. I've hooked up with people. I know what it feels like. Cool. It's gotten older then I care to say. If anything, i'll take pride in knowing that I am going to stand for something. And anybody who is immature enough to think less of me for doing this is a moron, quite honestly.

SOME HOW SOME WAY
KEEP COMING UP WITH
FUNKY ASS SHIT LIKE
EVERY SINGLE DAY

so today was pretty cool i suppose.

i find that i cannot sit here and talk about every little thing about my day anymore, so i'll do what i have not done in a while....weekend highlights!....meh..hurp...

WEEKEND HIGHLIGHTS (in no order, ass)

seeing the cobra back in kiefers garage; good stuff. old times, old times.
driving in kiefers passenger seat for the first time, watching my pal take over.
driving kiefers vehicle about 2 minutes after he first started driving....i can't sit out for that long.
seeing hannah for like 10 minutes. idk why i do this to myself lol she doesnt even like me but i think its because i realize shes everything i could look for in a girl.
hanging out with nicole faverey.
watching joe villari about to fall down a flight of stairs because he was drunk, and for some reason helping him and making sure he doesnt fall down. maybe i dont hate him so much after all.

BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT

talking to nicole calautti and just chilling out when old mike would have been running around and asking the world to hookup. talking was a nice change of pace.

well as of now it looks like i definitely should have stayed at new paltz.

the ride down sucked and i got in an hour late, then today all that happened was i had to drive in shitty rain and get stressed out about people lying about stupid shit and people getting mad at me for other shit thats all really dumb misunderstandings if you think about it.

i saw hannah for a bit. cool. she left and hooked up with some guy i didnt know. he's lucky.

NOTORIOUS annx3 (10:11:12 PM): whats wrong
um whatever mike (10:11:33 PM): eh, nothing i can change nor would i actually if i had the chance.


that basically summarizes my life at the current moment.

oohgee its kp (12:38:50 AM): g
oohgee its kp (12:38:50 AM): u
oohgee its kp (12:38:51 AM): m
oohgee its kp (12:38:51 AM): m
oohgee its kp (12:38:53 AM): y
oohgee its kp (12:38:54 AM): b
oohgee its kp (12:38:55 AM): e
oohgee its kp (12:38:55 AM): a
oohgee its kp (12:38:56 AM): r
oohgee its kp (12:38:57 AM): <3


i remember

as i was getting out of codys car, joe gentsch ran to me and jumped on me. he grabbed my arm. his hand slipped off my arm and hit my wrist.

as his hand hit my writst, it ripped off my lanard bracelet i have had on since early august of 2005.


i guess that stage is over.


i can't believe this bracelet is off. its been on my wrist forever. i took my SAT's with it. ive met people, built relationships, gotten in and out of retarded relationships, everything.

ask anybody. anybody who truly knows me knows that this bracelet has been a part of me forever.

i suppose this is a sign for me to stop being so sentimental.